I think it is time I am forced to accept that I have certain mental
illness problems which is the source of most of my problems.
disease problems do I have? The major one: Bi-polar disorder. Simply put, I feel extremely good and extremely bad in cycles. On certain days I may feel like standing on top of the world, and others I feel like all hope is lost… etc.
What’s after that? Bi-personality. This self that is writing Disillusionment is NOT the same one that was writing Project Hitler a few days ago. You can sense it from the tone of voice.
What’s next? A constant delusional assessment of my own abilities, along with extreme obsession of self as well as diminished ability to empathize with other people. Simply put, I can’t even care enough about myself, where do I get the effort to care about others?
Retardedness. I maybe smart in a few areas, but I am damn retard in most others and I know it.
Conclusion: well, as you can see, I am crazy, and I have to say admitting myself as being mentally ill is a big relief. I have excuses now.
However, I refuse to accept that any of this is my fault. All I ever did was to find ways for me to function better and this piece of shit (me) just doesn’t work. IT DOES NOT FUNCTION RIGHT REGARDLESS OF HOW HARD I TRY AND I AM FREAKING TIRED OF IT!!! FUCK IT!
I like computers because they follow a predictable pattern. I am good at finding patterns and you’d assume after 22 years I’d find some pattern that works for me. Well guess what, I can’t. It’s like playing a game. Anyone wants to switch? My character sucks.
So why am I speaking like I am not me? Why does it sound like I and me is not the same thing? Because I am crazy you get it? I have separation of I and me and I don’t see I and me as the same thing.
Now the question is, if I am not me, then what am I? Some kind of soul roaming in the universe? That’s a damn good question.
Maybe after who-knows-how-many-years I did get it all figured out and I got healed somehow. Then this should be some interesting read.