After two days’ “right hand recovery”, I think I understand everything now.
Most of my problems, be them chronic lack of interest, indecisiveness, learning disability, general memory loss, auditory memory loss, visual memory loss, speech disorder, stress, lack of social interest, etc can be solved as simply as using my fucking right hand. Yes it is this simple I should fucking be right-handed. Period.
But what’s the catch? What the fucking catch? The catch is that I am not naturally right-handed. This goes back to the original reason for my switch – for some reason using my right hand brings great strain to my brain, to the point I cannot handle. The stress and strain it enforces on my brain is so enormous that the pain even outweighs all the benefits. I would rather be an idiot and have this pain!
But this is the only way for me to be more “normal”, the only way to share more commonality with other people, the only way for me to continue studying my major, and the only me for me to be this current version of “me”. All comes with extreme effort, even at this moment. Ahhh!
Why? Why is that? Why can’t I settle with my stable and untiring left hand? The reason is quite simple: I started the right hand way. I was trained to be right-handed from the start. My left brain got too much pressure it “over-developed”, and my right brain was under too little pressure and it “under-developed”. This explains, everything. Every fucking thing. By using my left hand I simply cannot get my best performance. The brain wiring of that isn’t optimized. I suck being left-handed.
According to my observation of natural left-handers in America, they are just like natural right-handers, same thing. Converted left-handers like me is something different, something broken yet not to be underestimated.
Fuck my brain!
That German study turns out to be right after all. Converted left-handers lives a whole life in extreme effort and although they tend to stand out in society, they do this by using much more effort.
I wish I never lived. Now either I continue to use my left hand and suck my whole life, or I use my right hand and utilize much more effort to come up with “better” results.
Apparent my brain got burned out. I went to sleep for 11 hours and now I am fine.
Whatever it is, whichever way it is, whichever hand it is, it’s all got to continue.
What IS really annoying is I can’t be as stable or as “functioning” as a simple, average person.
% Experiment Assessment
The re-switch attempt of right hand mouse has been mostly a failure. As can be seen from my written words, although the speed and efficiency of thinking may be superior, the mind is undoubtedly unstable; the tolerance is clearly low; the fatigue is apparently overwhelming. It changes my whole personality, yet I cannot say it is for the better due to so many F-words being used, the title included.
I just wish my mind continue to function well like my present state. My hypothesis is if I had been naturally left-handed all along it would have been functioning well consistently, however, due to a conversion and a reconversion it has created me a big problem to deal with. The brain had been re-wired and re-wired again to the point it mal-functions, or, does not function well at times.
I would say my situation is rare. I really don’t have examples to learn from nor have some experts guiding me what to do. All I did was to take my best guesses and risk it.
Success or fail, does it ultimately matter. Acceptance, inner peace, the best one can have or ask for.
// end of project