Something on my mind that needs to be out

Around 10 hours ago I had a Skype call with my family. Slept for merely 3 hours last night, I was very sleepy and tired, and due to the recent intensive academic schedule a bit worn out. I first talked to my father a little bit, mainly to hear him talk because I wasn’t in the mood of speaking "my recent great achievement". Then he went to bathroom and what was replaced in the webcam was my mom. I have had some real bad relationship with my mom but we both learned to ignore it. I wasn’t very enthusiastic seeing her because I don’t I have anything in particular to tell her, being not so well these days, except answering her questions. She asked a few questions and I answered mostly in one or two words while surfing the web with my desktop computer.

And then she said: "You know recently your uncle has decided that going abroad, to the US, is completely useless, spends tons of money and one learns nothing. He (my uncle) completely opposes going abroad (to the US) and becomes angry if my cousin wants to go abroad." Then I replied: "He thinks whatever he wants to think. It doesn’t matter. One gets whatever based on how one thinks and that’s it."

The she said: "I think he’s right. People who go to the US are changed; they become cold-hearted. Spending all the money, and I don’t see you learned anything at all." And I was instantly outraged. I shouted at her for 1 minute, not allowing her to speak a single word and my father was forced to shut down the computer.

I was so angry for she said that for the last few hours I can’t stop thinking about, and eventually leading me to write it out.

I want to let her know the very reason I don’t like speaking to her in the first place is there’s no fun talking to her. Read it yourself, read what she says, how can anyone be attracted to words like that? How do you expect me to like her? Yes she is my mom and she is an idiot.

In my professional opinion, my mom is an idiot. She’s not stupid; she is a creative, big-picture person but she knows nothing, nothing about how to work out detail. She know no strategy, no planning, and no rules.

I’ve seen her try to learn English. She can NEVER learn English because she doesn’t have the intellect to do it. Her way of "thinking" won’t allow her to learn a delicate language like that.

I despise her intellectually. Lots of parts I dislike about myself comes from her, and maybe this is why I dislike her so much. She knows nothing yet she wants control. She wants things go her way. The reason why I don’t have a conflict with my mom for all those years is I was controlled, I listened to her. Now I have my own thoughts and they are strong too, I don’t listen to her anymore, and this creates conflicts between me and my mom – the ultimate reason.

But in the back of my mind, I am afraid. I am afraid that she is speaking the truth, because that’s how she feels, that’s how I am making her feel. Maybe I am becoming cold-hearted; maybe I am becoming emotionless; maybe I am not learning anything after all. This is a big part of the reason why I was and am so angry. I want to find ways to defend myself against what she’s saying – there are millions of details and evidence to do that, but I can’t help but feel she’s speaking the truth in some degree. Like I said she’s a big-picture person. She doesn’t think; she speaks intuition and I respect intuition.

One of the reasons that I am so torn between in thoughts is the giant difference in intelligence between my father and my mother. There’s absolutely no comparison between the two – they are too damn different. My parents have fought over each other ever since they got married, and for all my life, I have to choose to agree with one or another. When I was a child I mostly agreed with my father. 3 years ago I got reversed and was against my father because I began to understand what my mom has to say – they are unreasonable yet intuitively correct. But it was my father’s intelligence that I believe made me where I am today. Most success I have made seems to coincide with my father’s ideas. Everything I can’t get to work, such as being social and know how to talk smart, is due to my mother’s failure intelligence.

As you see I have been seeing how things work. In this case I would be having much less problem myself if my mom is a smarter person that what she is. My difficulty in studying computer concept and having ideas that contradicts each other is much due to my mom being an idiot in these areas. My mother can never learn to use a complex machine or a computer. It’s genes.

But it wouldn’t work if I think like this. I inherited lots of negative qualities from my father, or my father’s side of family too. It is immature to blame what you have on your parents and genes, despite it being the ultimate and only reason.

Still, I am angry about what my uncles thinks and what my mom said. I care what they think and say, and what they think and say have already become the uneducated, unintellectual, and unthoughtful. That’s what they are; I am nothing like them and I distinguish myself from them.

Ultimately, I need proof. I need to prove all of them how arrogant and idiotic they are. But does it matter?

I guess my mom is right after all. This is where I have changed. I have seen more things and gained much more understanding. I look down upon where I have walked and left: the seeming cold-heartedness. No, I haven’t learned it at all, that’s why I’m continuing learning.

Let there be light, and that light shines through all darkness – the darkness in people’s heart.

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3 Responses to Something on my mind that needs to be out

  1. CiCi says:

    Remeber you are A son forever, no matter what kind of mistakes your mother did, you should learn forgiveness. However you also have wrong part, I thought you have already confessed in your deep heart, I hope you could do better in dealing with the relationship with your mother. I won’t allow you to shout to her anymore…. If you always do that, you know you hurt your mother’s feeling again and again. Imagine her son now is far away from her, and shout to her through webcamera, she got no chance to explain her real thinking. Parents are not us, do not expect them to obey our own idea, just be a  Dutiful son.

  2. Sirui says:

    In my defense, I don’t know who is hurting who. It’s not the first time though. She is the conflict not me. Remember wherever she goes there are fights. A good person brings people happiness, but my mother doesn’t. It is not
    me who want to have the bad relationship with my mom; I have always
    wanted things to work out and it would be incredibly stupid if I want
    to do this. It’s always her! She has affected me for a month since the start of this semester and it’s about time she stops!Don’t try to argue with my on this matter. She is a fascist and there are two ways to deal with it: ignore it and admits defeat, or face it relentlessly. For all my life I have been doing the former, now I am doing the latter.My problem is like hers: I can’t pretend. I speak my feelings too straight. I am too damn honest. Maybe making it look good at the appearance level is all it needs.

  3. CiCi says:

    whatever, this is life, a true issue.
    You choose your way, of course no one can change your decision.
    I will not say anything more, I always sense a common question that people only believe their own thinking, no one else can change……………

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