Fight or Die

My life has recently been challenged in multiple areas: intellectually, emotionally, physically, and socially. It has come to the point where I am about to break but still stay together in one piece. There is one thing for sure and I am glad about: I will, at least, not die any time soon. If you compare that, anything isn’t that significant anymore.

This is one of those moments when you experience great trauma and are forced to think about life’s mysteries and God’s unfairness.

If I had a choice, if I just knew what life is like, I will never choose to be born. Life is an unwinable game. You can’t really get what you want, because you will want more soon after that. Any happiness that one experience is transit and does not last, forcing one to seek out new happiness everyday. And there’s all the pain that one may have to experience at times. Finally I understand why there are religions: souls need comfort. We are souls. We are not our body, we are not our brain, we are not our mind, but we are souls, the eternity, the oneness with everything.

I am tired of being this soul.

I am tired of being this consciousness.

I am tired of being aware.

I am tired of being me.


Because as a human machine, I am flawly designed.

I just don’t work. People are "designed" to work as people. I don’t.

As far as my memory goes, I just don’t work. I am an exception; I am an error.

People seem to live their lives effortlessly as people; I take effort to live as people.


Maybe God is evil.

I fix computers. I like it when things work.

As an error human being, I just wish I am so easy to fix.

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3 Responses to Fight or Die

  1. CiCi says:

    mostly for my reason, I made you feel not well in some degree. So, sorry!! You know what, you did a good job, for my guilty, I was losing my faith… You know what, fight and be courage is the saint way that a person should act…. I was stupid enough,,,, you did better than me…

  2. Suotian says:

    ….god cannot make everything well

  3. Lingbo says:

    well, this is really a long entry…When u cannot change the circumstance, alter the way u think. And after that, u’ll find the whole world different from what u thought it was.Good luck.

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