I am back ladies and gentleman, I am back, to, China, home.
Being in the US for 4 months is sort of life-changing, now I find myself beginning to see old things differently than before.
The problem, now, is confusion. I need to re-evaluate China and find something to do. It is hard to have all kinds of different ideas in your mind and not let them fight each other. The process of keeping a consistent reality is hard and painful. In fact for the last several years I have been in a very confusing state, avoiding social contact as much as possible and trying to "breakthrough" and be a new man. The whole thing is kind of a mess and albeit my apparent outward success I feel a total failure inside.
Saying that I am a total failure is analogues to cursing others. But trust me, without inner satisfaction, one cannot feel happy, and if one doesn’t feel happy inside, there is no point of doing anything else.
But wait a moment, I WAS happy before I came back, how come the sad feeling now?
Maybe just as going to the US needs adaptation, coming back needs adaptation too. It’s been less than a week since I’m back, and this is the painful re-adaptation process. I have seen a lot for the last four months, but during that time home does not change a single bit. How disappointing!
Most of all, I did not get what I wanted.
What do I want?
You tell me.