Honestly I have to force myself to write a blog to think of an answer. How do I feel? Where have my feelings gone? What is with my "mission-objective-oriented brain"?
Going to the US is HUGE. If one does it right it may change one’s life forever. It is an amazing opportunity for anyone. Had it been 4 years ago I would have gone beyond being excited. Now all I can think about is what I am going to learn in the first year and how I should adapt in order to succeed. I have become this person who aims success and finding out how to achieve it, that’s like the only thing I care. It’s like I have this mission with me to succeed, and no, failure is not an option, since I am the investment this time. My parents put money on me, some people know where I am going and they should expect results. Results of success, not results of failure. This is a burden, because America is not free of charge, at least for me.
Having not even been alone without my family, I really don’t know what to do all by myself. We are talking about going to a new country with completely different culture / food / people / language / landscape etc here. I am going to learn the courses in English, which I have never done before in school. I am going to speak English to people around me, which I have rarely done to anyone except me either, and they are going to grade me based on my output! The sheer fact that I am not smart in communicating with human socialization and that I am introverted personality only add to my anxieties. I already messed up my sleep patterns, handedness, body, brain and psyche, who knows I won’t be having these problems in the US. With all these and a having-to-succeed attitude, god I really have great capacity not to break myself up emotionally already.
This is why I have been playing Company of Heroes a lot lately. I have to engage myself in something to not think about it. Before this it was Visa. Now there is no escape.
It’s funny because being able to going to the US is a good thing, and having the opportunity myself and worrying about it at the same time is, say, I don’t know, a good thing? It’s the burden people! I’m not going there on a trip, I’m going there to make a difference, all by myself! If I don’t do well they’ll just kick my ass back to China again. I am not saying staying in China is bad; it just isn’t as attractive to me as staying in the US.
Ever since I got my Visa I started to get bad-tempered. I began to release all the things that was suppressed in me all these time because there will be no stopping me. It’s me me me me me the self-obsessed junkie. Have you noticed how many "I" "me" "my" "myself" I have used in writing this blog entry? I hate it. Damn it "I" again.
In the end, how do I feel? I’ll think of some words, wait…