The Unseen


My former advisor had written me a poem because I told her some of the bad things happening in China. She is someone with good faith just so you know…

Hello Sirui, below is the poem I created from what you wrote to me. I hope that you like it 🙂  Mary
The Unseen 8/6/10
Let me start by saying
This is not the end of a story
For things are quite deep
This page cannot capture
Things which it has not seen
In a country across the sea
In a world far away
I hear of things
Things that are bleak
In a society where lies
Are more real than truth
Where money defines
What one will do
Faith in money
Slaves to a system
Where the only way out
Is more appealing than living
Where censorship rules
And religion is a joke
Where only idiots believe
In something called hope
Ignored and forgotten
Broken and bruised
Are the spirits and bodies
Of those who cannot choose
Their life
Their religion
Their place in the world
Their freedom to believe
In something worth more
More than what is dictated
Brainwashed it seems
To believe in a reality
Where truth is unseen

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The Fall of Sirui


This is it. I have failed. I have failed this whole thing… I have become someone I don’t like, someone who doesn’t value life, happiness, or prosperity, someone who doesn’t value friendship, relationship, or love, someone who can’t see light out of darkness, hope out of desperation, good out of evil… This me is definitely not the same me five years ago.

I have fallen from what I had wished to be: an optimistic individual filled with joy of living each day, who enjoys what he does, brings happiness to his surroundings, and strives to live his life to the fullest..

What have I become? A self-absorbed lunatic who hates this life and sees no hope out of it.. He isn’t in good terms with anyone, not even his family, his parents because he has lost his way. Each volume of air he breathes only makes him suffer more. What a sad little creature he is in the seemingly infinite space-time.

I have fallen, and this is proof. Only God can help me now.


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iPad Is the Future


I just read an article regarding the iPad:

The iPad is here to extend that into a larger screen that will make new things possible. And after the iPad, others will come. One of them will be as big as my Wacom Cintiq 21-inch graphics tablet. Others will physically resemble my desktop computer. But all of them will be part of the same computing revolution.

It won’t happen overnight, but it will be fast. First, iPad will succeed. In a year, something similar to the iPad will come from Google. In two or three years at most, an iMac and a MacBook Pro with something resembling the iPad OS will arrive. It won’t just be iPad OS. It will be the full Mac OS X with a new UI covering all of it, and smart, instantly searchable databases to store documents with metadata, all of it open to developers. Then Microsoft will introduce its own version of everything, killing file managers once and for all. And during all this time, more of that data and metadata will be stored in the cloud, with local storage only acting as a cache. No more syncing between devices, no more hassles, no complications.

That is the future. And it starts this Saturday. Hold onto your underpants, because the world is changing again. Big time.

You know what, I tend to agree with him.

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I encountered the following excerpt a few days ago and I think I belong to the group:

The term twice-exceptional was coined by James J. Gallagher to denote students who are both gifted and have disabilities (Coleman, Harradine, & King, 2005, p. 5). We have known about twice exceptional students for thirty years; however, identification and program strategies remain ambiguous (Krochak & Ryan, 2007). These students need remediation for their learning deficits and enhancement for their strengths to achieve (Krochak & Ryan, 2007). Twice exceptional students are considered at risk because they are hidden within the general population of their educational environment, and usually viewed as either under-achievers or average learners (Nielson, 2002 & Krochak & Ryan, 2007).

"Early identification and intervention is critical; however, giftedness in the twice-exceptional often is identified later than in the average population and is masked by the disability. The disabilities may include auditory processing weaknesses, sensory motor integration issues, visual perceptual difficulties, spatial disorientation, dyslexia, and attention deficits. Recognition of learning difficulties among the gifted is made extremely difficult by virtue of their ability to compensate. Some guidelines that help in identifying these students are as follows:

Exceptional Vocabulary
Difficulty with written expression
Ability to understand complex ideas
Easily frustrated
Wide area of interest
Highly sensitive
Stubborn and opinionated
Specific areas of strength
Inconsistent academic performance
Highly developed sense of humor
Curious and inquisitive

What a pity and an opportunity!

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Finally, finally I found out what is wrong with me.

Almost all of my problems can be attributed to one single cause: ADHD.

I am greatly relieved that my problems have a specific cause and it’s been affecting all areas of my life for years, but it is only recently that this mental disorder (disability) have become excessively annoying.

My bi-polar disorder, my depression, my gaming addictions (the need for constant stimulus), my inability to focus on reading / studies / homework, my inability to focus in class, my inability to follow a planned schedule / rules, my inability to control my rage, my lack of social abilities, and my excessive self-interest are all side effects of ADHD.

Therefore, I hereby declare myself having a moderate mental disorder (disability) named ADHD, and I will fail life if this disease goes untreated.

If a computer malfunctions, what do you do? You have to identify the cause of the problem. If you don’t know where is wrong, you cannot solve the problem.

I know what is wrong with me now, and I expect nothing out of myself unless this disease is treated.

Much better…

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My Job – To Myself


I just played 10 Dota games consecutively in an attempt to win once. Guess what? I am cursed. 8 out of 10 games I was in, my teammates sucked, and enemies were like pros. Enemies dominated the game and killed us like slicing bread. No no no, it’s not that I am bad. Of the games I have lost, at least 6 of them I got the highest score of my whole team, and I’m not even good! But my team sucks that’s for sure.

I kept playing and playing just to see if the pattern continues. I trusted probability and believed I was unlucky to be with a bad team, but at least I have a 50/50 chance. It was almost funny because every freaking game was the same. The tide of all these games were so uneven that I was almost convinced God, if it exists, just wanted to fuck me up.

There were only two wins. One was due to a lucky switch, and the other – the last game, was due to one of the enemies being dropped in the middle (bad connection) which resulted in a 5v4 situation. There were no real wins.

Therefore, I am fed up with this game. Dota is worse than CoH in that it is less strategic and requires less thinking. Many times I saw teammates / enemies fighting in unfavorable circumstances and the whole game could have been changed if a little more strategic thoughts were involved. You are just lucky if you have a whole team of players knowing what they are doing, otherwise you are just fucked.

This being said, I did learn something valuable from Dota.

In the game, there were mainly two modes: All-Pick and All-Random. In All-Pick you get to choose your own character, while in All-Random you are given a random character. Each character has its unique strengths and weaknesses; some are imbalanced to be either over-powered or under-powered.

With my pattern-seeking ability, I see that LIFE is All-Random. You don’t get to pick who you want to use. You are given a character and you have to play it. Get it?

Life is totally imbalanced, totally – much more so than Dota. But let’s toss balance aside, and focus on the key: controlling your character and driving it to success.

Maybe, maybe it doesn’t matter what your character is. Some characters are innately easy, and some much harder to use. Maybe the only thing that matters is the skill. Maybe the only things that will be judged is the skill – the skill to drive your character to success.

So how about I think about it this way? I was randomized to use me – an uncommon character that nobody picks and very hard to use, one that has loads of dysfunctional problems, but one which has great potential. It is within my power to make this character work and drive it to success.

Instead of complaining, I should take it as an opportunity. Success is not a necessity but a dependent variable based on how hard I try. It is my responsibility to use me well and I should be rewarded for doing so.

The scoreboard may have shown I lost 8 games. Did I really lose? I did by best; I was a fighter and did most of what I could do in adverse situations. Who says you have to win to be a real winner? And who knows if those “winners” are in fact, losers in disguise?

To my new job.

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I think it is time I am forced to accept that I have certain mental illness problems which is the source of most of my problems.

So what disease problems do I have? The major one: Bi-polar disorder. Simply put, I feel extremely good and extremely bad in cycles. On certain days I may feel like standing on top of the world, and others I feel like all hope is lost… etc.

What’s after that? Bi-personality. This self that is writing Disillusionment is NOT the same one that was writing Project Hitler a few days ago. You can sense it from the tone of voice.

What’s next? A constant delusional assessment of my own abilities, along with extreme obsession of self as well as diminished ability to empathize with other people. Simply put, I can’t even care enough about myself, where do I get the effort to care about others?

Retardedness. I maybe smart in a few areas, but I am damn retard in most others and I know it.

Conclusion: well, as you can see, I am crazy, and I have to say admitting myself as being mentally ill is a big relief. I have excuses now.

However, I refuse to accept that any of this is my fault. All I ever did was to find ways for me to function better and this piece of shit (me) just doesn’t work. IT DOES NOT FUNCTION RIGHT REGARDLESS OF HOW HARD I TRY AND I AM FREAKING TIRED OF IT!!! FUCK IT!

I like computers because they follow a predictable pattern. I am good at finding patterns and you’d assume after 22 years I’d find some pattern that works for me. Well guess what, I can’t. It’s like playing a game. Anyone wants to switch? My character sucks.

So why am I speaking like I am not me? Why does it sound like I and me is not the same thing? Because I am crazy you get it? I have separation of I and me and I don’t see I and me as the same thing.

Now the question is, if I am not me, then what am I? Some kind of soul roaming in the universe? That’s a damn good question.

Maybe after who-knows-how-many-years I did get it all figured out and I got healed somehow. Then this should be some interesting read.

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